Primary, Secondary, Tertiary--A Hiearchy of Polyamorous Love? Part Two (With a Sidedish of NRE)

This was orginally published elsewhere in April 2007

Now, I must admit to having a bit of a bias in regards to the love that is experienced in a long term sustainable relationship. Whether this relationship is primary, secondary, or tertiary makes no difference. I'm talking about using the assessment of time as a significant factor in the level of commitment we offer to a relationship. Love tends to grow over time. Especially when we give the relationship devoted attention. The more time we spend with another, the more intimacy is shared and the bonds of friendship deepen. Vulnerabilities are exposed. Trust grows.

Not that I'm dissing "love at first sight". I've experienced it myself so I know some of its power and appeal. The heart is known to have the ability to open wide and fast. Some love opens as sweet friendship. Some a wild passion. When the heart opens to love, it's a beautiful thing, whatever form it takes.

I've had discussions with certain polyamorous individuals who subscribe to the idea that they must treat all of their partners as "equal". Now if by equal they meant that everyone deserves respect and consideration, kindness and compassion, in the general sense, then yes, I agree. But what some folks subscribe to is an equal consideration towards all of their partners, no matter how long the duration of the relationship. I remember a conversation with one man who was having some issues with his wife of many years over his "equal" consideration of his girlfriend of 3 months. I told him to get a clue. If I was in a new relationship with someone and they were offering me the same level of consideration as a their long-term partner, that would be a big red-flag for me that would actually lessen my ability to trust them. Yes, give me equal consideration as to what restaurant we all eat at or what movie to watch, but beyond that, I hope you'll get to know me better before you make me a beneficiary on your trust. Love at first sight or not.

One phenomenon that often occurs in new relationships that can cause stress in the already existing relationships is New Relationship Energy (NRE). NRE is a wonderful thing but the high one experiences from it can feel so overwhelming and all consuming that a person may be drawn to spend every free moment with their new love while neglecting what they are already committed to. It's also easy to give extra consideration to the preferences of the new love while taking your long-term partner for granted. Simply postponing your obligations to the non-human aspects of your life might be a reasonable choice as a temporary condition of NRE. Chaos ensues and then you clean up the mess later. We all have moments when we don't want to miss out on the fun and we are willing to pay the price later. But if one has other committed relationships, they must be conscientious in tending to those relationships. It's unkind and simply bad behavior to neglect an "old love" just because the "new love" seems more exciting in the moment. If you don't have what it takes to care for the heart of one love, you might want to reconsider your ability to pull off being a good partner to multiple lovers. An appropriate time to consider adding on is when you are maintaining well what you already have. Of course, love doesn't always come at "appropriate" times. Kind of like children. So we cope the best we can with an overly full plate sometimes.

That said. It's also important for the "old love" to exercise understanding and support towards the development of the new relationship. It's a very lovely gift when the long-term partner is willing to accept a little benign neglect from the one who is currently high on the drug of new love. This is a time when compersion is a very valuable asset to possess. Not merely tolerating, but encouraging and supporting the one you love, loving another, is a big piece of what makes polyamory work well.

Primary, Secondary, Tertiary--Hierarchy of Polyamorous Love?

This was originally published elsewhere in April 2007
Some polys abhor the idea of classifying their lovers as "primary", "secondary", or"tertiary". They find the concept degrading. Personally, I find the terms valuable when wanting to use a simple word that explains the practical nature of your relationship with a specific partner. Now, if someone were attempting to use these labels as descriptive quantifiers or qualifiers in regards to "how much" they love a person, or to the "degree of intensity" of that love--a sort of categorizing of lovers who win 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, places in their heart, that does strike me as degrading.

Here's my idea of a practical application for using these terms although there is of course no set way of structuring the primary, secondary and tertiary statuses of your polyamorous relationships. This is merely an attempt to explain a feasible way to use these terms.

Primary Partner: This is the lover you spend most of your time with. You probably live together but not necessarily. Your finances are often combined in that you might own a home together, have joint checking and savings accounts, as well as other shared investments. This person is the mother/father to your children and you share the holidays together with relatives on both sides. This is the person you are mostly tied up with in the mundane aspects of life. As the mundane is a significant part of most of our lives, it's very nice to have a responsible and committed partner to share these daily duties with. After a long day of work and kids, it's nice to relax on the couch with this person and exchange foot rubs. Hopefully, on the nights you aren't too tired, you'll have an incredible session of lovemaking before falling off to sleep in each other's arms.

Secondary Partner: This is the lover you schedule the next most significant amount of time with. Since your life is busy with your primary relationship, kids, work and everything else, you probably have a fairly regular schedule worked out to be with this person. Maybe you meet them for lunch every Tuesday, and do dinner with a sleep over on Thursday. Sunday they might come over for brunch and help you and your primary with yard work. You probably talk on the phone and exchange a lot of emails with this person to keep the communication and scheduling clear, and also just because you miss them.

Tertiary Partner: This is the lover you see twice a year. Once, in the winter when they come to the city you live in to visit their relatives (and you) for a week, and then once every summer you take a mini vacation to visit them for three days. Other than that you talk on the phone every month or so and email occasionally.

Of course, these are just made up scenarios that might suggest the level of life involvement you keep with your primary, secondary and tertiary lovers. They are meant as reasonable descriptions of the level of contact you might maintain with your different lovers. There are certainly no hard and fast rules nor definitive lines that place relationships in rigid primary, secondary, and tertiary boxes with specific time allotments. Some people may have two primary partners and live with one or both of them. You may or may not share your finances with your primary partner. If you don't have children or a busy work schedule you may have lots more time for "playing" with your all of your partners. Maybe your primary partner travels a lot and you see them least of all your partners. Some people consider themselves as their own primary partner and their lovers as their secondary partners. Maybe you have no primary partner and two or three secondary partners. Maybe you are in a group marriage and the responsibilities, including the children, are all shared equally. Or you might be part of a triad and you are all primaries to each other. Maybe you have no primary partner and half a dozen tertiary partners who all live in the same town as you. Also of course, life situations change and people evolve and a secondary could move into primary status or vice versa.

Whether a lover is primary, secondary or tertiary, it does not refer to the quality or quantity of your love for them. You might have a tertiary lover that you've known for twenty years and the love you share is just as deep and abiding as the love you share with your primary partner of 5 years. And each relationship is different. Each person is unique and therefore the love we share with them is unique. We are multi-faceted individuals and each person we are in relationship with will focus on a different facet, will see our shine from a different perspective. Love manifests differently in every relationship. One love isn't better or worst than another. There is no hierarchy of love. The nature of our relationships aren't higher or lower. Primary, secondary or tertiary, love is love.

To be continued.